FEAR - THE EPIPHANY

Fear is one of the most powerful emotions we possess.  It crosses our conscious and subconscious with equally powerful force.  It causes inaction, reaction without thinking, physical and emotional responses whether intentional or unintentional.  It can define our character by allowing us to perform incredible acts in the face of insurmountable odds or protect us from harm.  Fear is also sneaky and can be inconsistent.  When manifesting, it can instigate a different physical or emotional response in nearly identical situations - so you're never quite sure what you will get.  Fear is the most primal instinct and exists in every life form.  Fear is what makes us human.  Fear can even initiate a chemical response in the brain.  Fear is at the root of all action or inaction.  Fear is necessary - and fear is everywhere. 

So let's get the raw definitions of fear.  Whether a verb or a noun, the definitions have negative connotations.  Children only mirror fear.  The second they can sit upright, they reach for whatever they can and want to experience it.  When they are mobile - watch out.  No hot stove, speeding car or toxic cleaner is off limits to them.  It is just as interesting as their favorite stuffed animal.  It is up to parents to place limits on children and instill fear in them to keep them safe.  So, kids learn to look both ways when crossing the street, they don't eat the cleanser under the sink and they don't watch scary movies before bedtime.  The lesson here is to "fear" the negative outcome. 

When it comes to raising little ones, it is a mine field.  So the next level after teaching them "fear" is teaching them caution.  Kids see their parents and other influential figures exercise (hopefully) caution and approach the physical world in a safe manner.  They don't dive right into the pool, but first check to ensure it isn't the shallow end.  They don't jump off the top of the jungle gym anymore because they were cautioned about scraped knees and broken bones...."and remember that Timmy down the street was in that itchy cast all summer long because he didn't listen to his mother."  Kids ask a lot of questions (inquisitive and for permission) before doing most things.  Again, the fear is good. It keeps them safe. 

The teen years are next (long mournful sigh here).  For years they have relied on their parents to test the waters and prove the safety of a situation before diving in.  Now they are on their own and the training wheels are off.  They have more independence, less supervision and feel invincible again (to a degree).  There is far more experimentation than parents like to recognize and they are now openly walking deeper into the mine field with eyes wide open and touching the buried mines with sticks.  Now the fear moves to the parents.  They live in constant fear.  In retrospect they see how lucky they were that they survived their adolescence and worry that their children will be irreparably damaged.  Drugs, sex, suicide, risky behavior - the stakes are much higher.  Now parents long for the days when the biggest fear was knee scrapes.  I think that during adolescence though, although it may not seem this way, teens are paying more attention to their parents' behaviors than ever before.  They have an acute awareness to what parents are doing, have done, or will do.  Perhaps it is because they want so badly to skip ahead to living their own lives on their own terms.  I also think it is partly to justify their own misbehavior - "you used to sluff school all the time when you were in high school."  We can thank our own parents for that one.  They revel in the poetic justice that you now have a moody, hormonal teenager and they can't help but twist the knife by revealing to your children that you were once "just like them."  How can you keep the fear (in the name of safety) going if you are now the shining example of experimenting and screwing up in adolescence - but now you are an upstanding citizen and have your act together.  Every parent of a teen I know lives in fear where their child is concerned. 

Here is where the "fear" road splits.  One path is loudly touted by religion.  For this I use the hilarious term "God fearing".  It always cracks me up.  The true definition of that phrase is "reverence/awe" but I think the terminology is hilarious.  It is basically the notion that you should live your life by the word of God (whomever she/he/it may be) so that you can stay on her/his/its good side so that the "wrath of God" doesn't come down upon you because of your misbehavior.  I think that this is a horrible model for kids.  I know this, because I lived this (ok, only intermittently) until my 30s.  From this comes the cold/hard extremes of obedience or shame.  Further it can bring in the ugliness of judgment, suppression of spirit and self-worth and depression - which are very slippery slopes.  Whether you are "God fearing" or not, shit happens anyway and it is how you deal with it, learn from it and move on that counts.  You can't close your eyes and put your fingers in your ears - we shouldn't teach our kids to do the same. 

By contrast I'd like to share another split in the road which is the ephipany part - TRUTH.  I've (finally) embraced something recently that is wonderful.  MY LIFE IS ABOUT ME....YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT YOU.  Isn't that lovely?  For those who subscribe to the road split above, good for you and I hope it works for you and keeps you happy, safe and free of emotional harm.  I submit, that I think that the way to physically and spiritually grow though, is through truth.  Not what you believe is true, but what you know is true.  Truth 1 - every human being is of great value, strength and love.  Truth 2 - every human being is worthy of greatness and unlimited possibilities.  Such possibilities can be empowering and uplifting or suppressing and devaluing.  By making choices we can enhance or detract from our own central power, self-esteem and core selves.  This is the part that is ringing loud and true for me right now - WHAT ARE THE CHOICES I AM MAKING AND DO THEY CONTRIBUTE TO MY SPIRITUAL POWER AND MY LIFE GOALS?  I have the dearest friend who has mastered both paths and teaches her children both (what a concept).  I think this is so powerful to instill in our youth. 

The good fear here is to fear not being in control of our own selves or making decisions contrary to our goals of nourishing and caring for ourselves and finally, fear of not learning from the mistakes that make us stronger.  That seems so empowering to me.  Do you want to be President?  An underwear model?  A writer?  What choices are you making that lead/detract you to that goal?  Are those choices helping you shore up your spirit or is it pushing you down?  What adjustments do you need to make?  Having fear of not achieving your goals that are true for you, I say is great.  It keeps you making decisions to lead you to your true self.  Here's the kicker though.  Kids are human, just like us.  Humans learn through consequences.  Help your kids "feel" those consequences as either "look how great that makes you feel and how it is improving your life" or "look how awful that experience ran through your life like a tornado."  I am going to be better as an example of this.  There are some great books by Ben Stein (the "Bueller, Bueller" high school teacher).  He writes in a sarcastic tone on How to Ruin Your Life.  I think every human should read it. I need to read it again with the new eyes I've found.

So now we are at adultood and FEAR IS EVERYWHERE.  You fear the IRS, so you pay your taxes.  News media want high ratings, so they market fear in order to boost ratings.  Politicians want control so they slash the opposition by campaigns of fear.  Political commentators want to make money through book sales and speaking engagements, so they find the fearful points and embellish/explioit them.  This brings about hate, judgment, division, more fear, more hate, more judgment, more division and so forth.  I like to think that if greed is removed from any equation, we all have the same goals - life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness (for everyone).  How wonderful would it be if the playing field were level and fear wasn't such a driver of our lives?  We spent so much time growing up with fear as a guide to keep us safe, that it now runs many lives.  I wonder how much it is really necessary.  I wonder how much fear is that primal state, or a defense mechanism we've created to keep us from LIVING.  How many times have I missed out on living and enjoying my life because of fear.  Such fear can manifest under the guise of fatigue, embarassment, sickness, depression, sorrow, working late, starting a fight, anger, judgment, hate, etc.  Fear will no longer run my life (except in situations of safety) in ways that keep me from moving toward my goals.  Fear of of success/fear of failure - to you I say "bub-bye."  I will tug on superman's cape if I want, I will spit in the wind.  I will experience life. 

Let me tell you a very personal story about me.  I grew up, had my problems, focused on them, let them enslave me, got more and more depressed, more and more relied on my antidepressant to get my ass out of bed and do the bare minimum and I was "God fearing" and I was all alone.  I had limited social interaction, I was waiting around for this cookie cutter life to take shape.  I was miserable and in a prison that was my own mind and body.  Then I snapped and went quite a bit off the deep end.  Of course the result was shame, questions of who I was, am I even a person worthy of anything good, etc.  Seriously the "stinking thinking" was terrible and my habits only made things worse.  Then one day whilst in the depths of despair (and severly intoxicated) I was done with it and demanded my life back.  I quit my job, and made significant changes in my life including a one-week in-patient "RESET."  For one year I had SO MUCH FEAR.  I was afraid to leave the house (seriously).  I didn't leave the house for almost two months.  I had a panic attack in the shower when my husband suggested that we go to dinner.  It took two long and painful therapy years before I finally started to feel stronger.  Now I am one week shy of the four year anniversary of my STANDING UP FOR MYSELF.  I realized last night that I am having some fear - random, sneaky, vague, good-for-nothing, fear.  It was a sleepless night of self-diagnosis that brought me to truth.  When I got there I laughed.  I have this weird fear because the date on the calendar shows that it is the anniversary of the lowest point of my life.  Are you fucking kidding me?  No wonder I am sick right now.  Fear pulled me under to force me to rereat to my bed and wallow.  Uh, no thanks. 

So with this epiphany, very little sleep, and a better understanding of fear...I write this blog entry.  Although my throat feels worse, I'm coughing a bit and my head is still full of sinus gunk, my soul is full.  I feel better.  I don't claim to have all the answers, I am just grateful my eyes are now open while on this journey.  I have resolved to squash the four letter word that I have allowed to enslave me - consciously and subconsciously.  I will no longer allow you to control me, rather I will control you.  So here is the deal.  You can knock at my door and I will choose whether to let you in.  I have changed the locks and my windows cannot be breached, so don't even try it.  No more storming my beach and leaving a once beautiful tranquil scene littered with bloody carnage, death and despair without my permission.  If your warnings are warranted I will heed them and act accordingly.  If they are preposterous and keep me caged, I'll laugh in your face and keep success and achievements in my sights. TOWANDA!